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Child Development

7 things your CHILDREN are NOT!

I have noticed, since I had my first child, that everyone you meet, wants to give you some advice on parenting (good or bad) whether you want it or not. They want to tell you what your children should eat, what kind of education they should get, what languages they should speak, what culture they should imbibe, who they should be friends with etc. Technology (social media, especially) has made it even worse with access to so much information about parenting that leaves you comparing yourself to other parents and what they have or haven't achieved with their children. At the end of the day, you are left with so much external input that it becomes so weird, complicated and emotionally exhausting. Well this does not aim to be one of those how-to-be-a-good-parent manual.

I sat in my children's room a few days back, 3 of them fast asleep, I began to think to myself, what kind of father am I? What will these children say about me when they grow older? What will they become in future considering that I have a great role to play in getting them there? While these and more questions ran through my mind, the popular bible verse I had memorized from childhood, "TRAIN up a CHILD in the WAY he should GO: and when he is OLD, he will not DEPART from it", was the thought that immediately stood out with emphasis on the word ‘CHILD’. I believe that we are to a large extent the outcome of our upbringing and this infers at least 70% parental influence. What did I learn from my parents, uncles, aunties and every adult around me (since in African cultures it takes a village to raise a child)? What did my parents do right? What did they miss?  I pondered these questions and began to write down what I thought were lessons learned from each and every encounter with the ‘village’ that was to mold my life. But instead in no time, without quite meaning to, I had written this:

Your child is not:

1. The fix to your past inabilities

That you wanted to be an Engineer or a Doctor but for whatever reasons couldn't, doesn’t mean your child should live your unfulfilled dream. Why? Every child is unique. Your child may not be wired to be any of those things that you desired to be. When I was in College I knew so many people studying disciplines they had no business with. Some made it through but many ended in failure. Your past is your past. Your children have their own life to live.

2. The dancing celebrant

For some parents it's just easier to throw money at their children like Nigerian party-goers do on the dance floor at their owambes (an expression in Yoruba for celebratory events). That you had a humble background growing up but have now done well for yourself, doesn’t justify spoiling your child silly or engendering profligacy. It is important for children to understand financial responsibility, the value of hard work and the necessity of delayed gratification.

3. The Keys to your bragging rights

“I have 5 children, 2 of them are doctors, 1 is an Engineer, 1 is a Pilot and my last child is studying Architecture in the University of London...” (Children of Nigerian parents will understand this). Now don't get me wrong, these are certainly brag-worthy accomplishments, but some misguided parents look forward to being able to brag this much that they put their children under so much pressure (mentally and emotionally) and eventually derail the future of their children. I think one of the key responsibilities of a parent is to guide the child to become what he/she is wired to be and not just steer them towards becoming your personal trophies in the future.

4. The treasured property

Train up a child in the way he should "GO". At some point your children have to leave you and go live their own lives. They are not your personal property to keep. But some parents never let go of the proverbial apron strings no matter how old their children have become. Here’s an analogy: If the official age for any child to be on his own is 21, when he is 70, he would have spent more than double the years spent being under parental authority becoming and being his own person; a process that is a necessary rite-of-passage for life. Let go and let the child live his life. Let him make his mistakes and learn.

5. The ripe Fruit

I believe a child can be likened to a seed which parents should nurture to grow to fruitfulness. Some parents raise their children with the motive of securing a better future for themselves through them. I mean parents that force their children into businesses, careers, marriages, religion, and politics for their own personal gains and agenda, but without respect to how it all affects the life of the child in the long run.

6. The Fancy Puppet

I love this one! Your child is not a puppet. Stop trying to control every aspect of his/her life. 90's singing duo ‘The Mandators’ couldn’t have put it better when they sang, "Everyone will rebel one day". Humans have free will and since children are humans, albeit little humans, they are not exempt from the gift of free will. Undue and excessive manipulation and control by parents will stir rebellion in children. They will cut loose and you might lose them forever. The parent is there to TRAIN, and this means to instruct, teach, coach, tutor, school, educate, ground, inspire, guide etc. Control is definitely not a part of that training.

7. The Conscious Prisoner

Your home should not be the slightly tame equivalent of a prison. Give your children 'some' freedom. A few restrictions here and there is fine. And I believe parents should effectively and appropriately mete out the right disciplinary measures when boundaries are crossed and in other situations requiring such interventions. However raising a child in a restrictive and repressive atmosphere with excessive, unjustified and harsh penalties for their faults and failings will ultimately cause long-term emotional damage.

In the end, every child is unique and it is the responsibility of the parent(s) to KNOW each child by communicating and spending quality time with them. I have to seek wisdom and knowledge in my responsibilities to each of my children. There’s so much ahead but I know I can do it. I’ll let you know more as I travel on this adventurous journey.  Watch out for this space.

Femi Ajiboye

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